After I had my fill of forward motion and crowded thoughts, I stopped in the yard to enjoy a moment of peace. I found myself standing in a thick patch of snow, and suddenly, I was enraptured by the stark silence and no-thing-ness all around me. A layer of clouds stretched across the atmosphere, covering the endless swath of stars that surround us on this planet we call home. For the first time all day, I truly felt the silence and the stillness of the Solstice penetrate my bones. I had guided others in connecting to this stillness within themselves, and finally I was there, alone in the brittle night, experiencing the depth of these profound energies myself.
I was struck by how naked I felt, how vulnerable, alone, and insignificant I perceived myself to be in the vastness of the Universe and piercing dark of the Earth's annual turning point back to light. And as I stood there, allowing the starkness of winter and the essence of All That Is to swirl around and through me, I began to weep.
I can't quite place why I was so emotionally overcome that night. Perhaps it was the stress of the day or the inevitable lack of sleep that sets in before a big event; maybe it was the combination of hopes, dreams, and aspirations I hold deeply in my heart along with the indescribably intense desire I have to make those dream a reality (and the very human anxieties of "how" and "when" and the fear that I may not have enough years in my life to give birth to them all); maybe it was the sudden sense of profound love I experienced in that moment from my Angels and Guides and from Mother-Father God. In retrospect, I imagine it was a combination of each of those things, all brought to the surface by Saturn's travels through the final degree of Scorpio and the prominence of Capricorn energies now.
Saturn is the bringer of life lessons learned over time, the planet that heralds the ends of cycles and the subsequent new beginnings that arise from necessary endings. The ringed planet is necessary in teaching us how to manifest and bring our dreams to fruition, but the shadow side of Saturn and Capricorn is crippling fear, self-criticism, doubt, pessimism, harshness, and an inability to see beyond the physical constraints of "reality". As many a veteran astrologer has pointed out, when Saturn passes over 29 degrees of Scorpio, fears rise to the surface; our insecurities, the monsters in the shadows, the fear of lack or abandonment or "not good enough". These feelings are indeed rising in the collective and within our individual lives, coming into our conscious awareness so we can heal and release them on our journey into the future. As Saturn moves into Sagittarius on December 23, we will have an opportunity to define our personal truths and learn lessons in building our big dreams from the ground up. But first, we must move through the final lessons of the Scorpio's penetrating waters so we may embrace the new cycles of learning more fully.
As I cried that night, I made my way to the backyard and noticed a small maple tree. It was a tree I had passed many times before without much thought, but tonight I felt particularly drawn to its presence. I drew nearer, placing my hand on its slender trunk. I felt an affinity with this tree that looked so much like I felt: small and insignificant in the face of external challenges, barren and exposed, with no guarantee of survival through the winter (but a great likelihood that in the end, it would grow to stand even taller and stronger). With my eyes closed, I allowed love and light to flow to this leafless little tree from my heart center, feeling its roots as my own as I called on the energy of Gaia and the beautiful golden light of Shamballah at her core to ground me. The shimmering auric outlines of faeries and the Elemental kingdom became clearer to me, and in the barren winter night, I went beyond the illusion of coldness and lack - all concepts connected to Saturn and Capricorn's shadow - to a place deep within that is always ready to support us with abundant warmth and light.
When life appears bleak and our future is uncertain, there is a need to go deeper, to go within to a place where the abundance of the Universe is always available to us. It is from this place that miracles of manifestation can occur even in the most seemingly dire circumstances. During any winter, and particularly this winter with an abundance of planets in Capricorn and Saturn preparing to enter Sagittarius, we have an incredible opportunity to heal our fears, reconstruct our views of ourselves to reflect our true talents and potentials, and to begin building the lives we have imagined one choice at a time.
I plan to spend time outdoors connecting with the energies of Mother Earth throughout the winter months to maintain more of a connection to her life-giving energies when the earth appears cold and bleak in the darkness. And even though the course of my future is uncertain and many of my dreams have yet to manifest, I can always visit the small tree in the backyard as a reminder (just as Capricorn and Saturn impel us to do) that the longest-lasting most meaningful things in life are those we build over time with patience, perseverance, and self-love and compassion to smooth the process.
By healing ourselves and tending to our dreams with dedication and care, we can all be the light as the world awakens from the illusion of separation. We add to the love and light that flows through the Earth plane at this time when we stay the course and nurture ourselves, aiding powerfully in the Conscious Creation of Heaven on Earth. May your winter be blessed, and may you experience the vibrance of Shamballah and Divine Light available to all at this sacred time.